Happy Halloween!

   Boo! Did I scare you?


   Guess what? It's Halloween! We've got some spooooky announcements for you, so don't go diabetic on that candy quite yet!

   The annual Corporate Halloween Party was a blast! The VP had some amazing costumes this year! Now, although there was a ban on zombie hooker costumes, those "cheerleader" outfits that Sharon brought were all the rage! And the pie! To die for. Anyway, our Tea Party theme was a massive success. I haven't seen that many wigs since my fraternity in college.

   We accidentally blew a few fuses during the annual company "spin-the-bottle," in both the literal and metaphorical sense. We put a bit of a strain on the old electric grid, so the reactor had to really work hard to get the extra juices pumping. We almost had a few burst conduits, but we managed to hold it all together. Thank God for sildenafil, you know?

   Fun aside, poor Sharon had to get her stomach pumped at the clinic. Apparently, she ingested far too many excess fluids and it nearly blocked her digestive track. We must have removed at least 30 liters of fluid! Terrible stuff. It even clogged the sucker-doodad. Still not sure what it was, but it looked organic.

   The CEO wants to remind everyone that they still have to show up for work on Monday, hangovers and overdoses notwithstanding. Please try to be in a positive mood. Negativity isn't conducive to good production, you know? Remember that the Company Clinic is always open and that we love when you stop by!

   Lastly, we've had more than the usual amount of children from various parts of Arcadiom coming to the headquarters for trick-or-treating. As many of you know, Nurse Mayinga and I dutifully manned the door and handed out the candy, but I'm fairly certain that I've seen a lot of those kids at the Bring-Your-Kid-To-Work-Day. Now, I know that all of you know that company policy doesn't allow for you to tell your kids to come here on Halloween. We were lenient this time, but next time I'll have to get the VP to take care of it. I hate to do it, but hey, policy is policy. And besides, I hear the Eurasian Embassy is really generous.

   Happy Halloween!

   Karl Q. Baggamuphin MD DO DDS DPM PhD LLC, Company Physician

I Spy a W-4!

   Hey Everybody!


   It's that time of year...Tax time! Hope you're all as excited as I am. I've had Sharon fax everyone their Form 8885 for health coverage! Please remember to check the box that says "My doctor is a swell guy." Also, please make sure to not accidentally fax them right back to Sharon. There sure was a lot of that last year!

   The CEO is safe! The Barnstein's were lured out and surrendered after we put an Arcad on a fishing line and dangled it in front of the restroom window. Apparently, they'd tried to flush the CEO down the commode. Terrible stuff. We managed to resuscitate him using that old vacuum cleaner in the maintenance closet, and he's back to work! Also, we found his pipe lodged in his windpipe. Wonder how that got there.

   The Barnstein's have settled their lawsuit against us after we agreed to apologize for shooting their mother. Now, although it was just a flesh wound, she apparently contracted sepsis because the bullet may or may not have been smeared with blue-jay excrement. The Security Team admits to nothing, I'm told.

   You also have been faxed your standard w-4 income tax sheets. Please remember to be honest about your actual wage. I know none of you actually make £2.50 an hour, right?

   Lastly, Security Team will be throwing a get-well-soon banquet for Officer Wilson. Apparently he accidentally shot himself in the groin seven times after seeing a threatening man in a hoodie in the lobby. Gotta remember to clean those firearms, right? Stop by and say "Hi!", I hear they have cake.

   Forever yours,

   Karl Q. Baggamuphin MD DO DDS DPM PhD LLC, Company Physician

 

 

Barnstein Update et. al.

   Good morning everyone!

 
   As many are aware, the Barnstein Family was cornered in one of the womens' restrooms this weekend. Apparently their mother was armed with some sort of high capacity machine rifle, because I've treated more than the usual amount of gunshot wounds today. I salute our brave security forces though; they're doing a swell job!

   Unfortunately, with the CEO currently held hostage by the Barnsteins, I have had to revoke the VP's computer privileges. It seems that he hacked into the CEO's computer and started this whole fiasco. He's been very helpful in negotiations, however. That tear gas certainly showed them! At least for a while.

   I can assure everyone that company stock is still doing strong despite this recent debacle. Our investors have the utmost faith in us to perform as we have in the past. We've had worse incidents than this. Anyone remember that incident a few months back with the rubber sheets and the gerbils?

   The Company Wellbeing reports are finalized. I can report happily that we are marginally healthier than last year! The radon leak in the basement caused far fewer mutations than we here at the clinic anticipated, and that pesky lead grey paint incident was not nearly as hazardous as we thought. Hats off to a successful quarter!

   Lastly, negotiations to retrieve the CEO from his hostage crisis are ongoing. We expect a breakthrough by the end of the hour. Also, the VP believes that he is acting CEO. Ignore such false rumors. Our beloved CEO is still at the helm.


   Stay beautiful,

   Karl Q. Baggamuphin MD DO DDS DPM PhD LLC, Company Physician

 

We have the bastards cornered!

   The Barnstien brothers are still holed up in the women's restrooms, but their old lady is making a brake for the lobby. SURROUND THE BLOODY ELIVATORS!!! DON"T LET THEM GET TO THE EMBASSY!!!!!!!!!!!


-CEO

Sharon's Health Update

   Cómo estéis,


   I have an update on our beloved Sharon! Her mental health has been deemed "intermittently sound" by Arcadian authorities, so she will be returning to work tomorrow! Exciting! Although the Barnstein, or as we at the clinic call them; "butt-stain," law firm has alleged that we have made our work environment unsafe by allowing her return, we here at the clinic find those allegations pesky and lacking in proof.

   Most unfortunately, I've had to revoke Sharon's computer privileges for a few weeks (I know about the pool, gentlemen), so she will be unable to commune with anyone via electronic means for a while. We did set up a telegraph station inside her office, and she's apparently fluent in semaphore. Hey, • • •  – – –  • • •, am I right?

   I Have an update on the Halloween Party! Our theme this year is "The Tea Party." I hear J. C. Penny has a wonderful selection of wigs and buckle-shoes! Let's make sure to have a fun, and safe, time, which means no firecrackers in my toilet. Nearly blew my bum through my head last time.

   I'm told that due to someone signing a form in the wrong place, we have to declare our beloved Elton John a "social experiment." So, from now on, make sure Elton wears his lipstick. Thanks!

   ¡Abrazos y besos!

   Karl Q. Baggamuphin MD DO DDS DPM PhD LLC, Company Physician

Damn you Barnstiens!

   The Barnstien law firm has filed a suit against our beloved company for so called "safety violations" - The nerve! We are now (in accordance with this law I just made up) going to pursue a war of attrition with the family firm. God Bless our Security Forces!

   Sharon is finally over her insane headaches from that bender she went out on. I'm going to roll dice to determine how many weeks she is banned from using the company blog. I bet 200 arcads on six!


-CEO

Health Issues

   Happy Sunday Everyone!


   I hope you all have had a fun weekend! The VP has been cleared for computer privileges again, so please send him an email or two! He'll love it! We also managed to clear those pesky viruses from some less than reputable websites from it. Who knew pop-ups could be that provocative!

   Upcoming will be the company Halloween Party! The CEO has asked be to remind everyone that the company dress code still applies, so no zombie strippers costumes. We don't want to have a repeat of last year. I think the bathrooms still smell. We'll also be holding it in the clinic this year to minimize the casualties. Besides, it's easier to clean projectile vomit off of the tile! Also, at the VP's request, you are to "BYOB."

   Elton John has gone missing again. We think that he may be infected with rabies, so if you happen to locate him please inform Security. Thanks!

   The Company Pool is now open again! We rectified that little chlorine-excess problem, so it should be safe for public use! On the positive side, it's nice and clean!

   Love,

   Karl Q. Baggamuphin MD DO DDS DPM PhD LLC, Company Physician

The VP Is a Mother!

   Felicitations!


   Hope everyone had an eventful night! Let's have a productive day.

   I am happy to announce that due to our successful lobbying, the VP has been granted his maternity leave! We did some finagling with request form Q-536-3, and we have now declared that our beloved VP is a mother! Let's all wish him good luck as he continues on his journey.

   The CEO has requested that we perform the annual company proctology today. Please refrain from eating anything spicy for the next forty-eight hours.

   Happy news! The amount of hands-caught-in-vending-machine-itis has gone down by 34%! Apparently those razor blades we installed really payed off! Further, this should definitely contribute to a lessening in company diabetes occurrences.

   Some more somber news. Sharon has decided to go through with a termination of her pregnancy. We wish her the best, and thank her for choosing our clinic to terminate.

      Our beloved chef, Phellipe, has come down with a touch of Ebola. Due to this unforeseen accident, all employees will be required to take turns making lunch. Sharon will be cooking tomorrow. I heard through the grapevine that it'll be meatloaf surprise. Delicious!

   Lots of love,

   Karl Q. Baggamuphin MD DO DDS DPM PhD LLC, Company Physician

Daily Announcement

   Morning everyone!

   The VP is back to work and back to his regular old self. While he has been a bit rambunctious as of late, we feel that his psychological state if perfectly conducive to working again! Please stop by his office and say "Hello!"

   We have a company announcement! Sharon has recently filed for maternity leave and will be leaving us for a few months following a (hopefully) successful child birth! The VP has also expressed an interest in filing for maternity leave, but unfortunately we had to deny that request due to extraneous circumstances beyond our surgical capabilities. We wish them both the best and we hope the baby has Sharon's eyes!

   Remodeling of floors Q-Y will continue throughout the week as we clean up that unfortunate smallpox spill. Sure hope that it doesn't cause an inconvenience for anyone!

   The CEO has requested that we here at the company clinic conduct our annual company-wellbeing assessment. Please fill out the form that you received in your email and send it back to us!

   And finally, it is my more somber duty to inform everyone that our beloved Company Pet, Sir Elton John, has been officially diagnosed with Simian Immuno-Virus. Our hearts go out to him and to the CEO as they deal with this unfortunate tragedy.

   Also,  it has come to our attention that the fire alarm on floor A was pulled. Please refrain from doing that.

   Squeezes!

   Karl Q. Baggamuphin MD DO DDS DPM PhD LLC, Company Physician

Finally!

   So, you all know that when somebody posts on the company blog it has to be through MY account? Well, I'm in the process of fixing that. Soon everybody I see fit with authority will have a voice without having to go through my private account to post. I'm super happy.
   Karl is the first one with this privilege.


-CEO

...

   The hell happened to my company?


-CEO

The dummy vice prsident

   imnt putting up with that neurotic ass anymore. he violated mew.  It was totally hot, but I don't like him like that. like, I kno he's broken like a little puppy, but hes like a total stupidhead. now im drinking lots an lots anhjn lots of brandy to take the edge offf. hes soooooooooooooo hot, but like, so freakin psycho. WELP> SHARON OUT!!!!11


-Sasha's Bar and Arcade

The Situation is Under Control!

   Salutations!


   Well everyone, the weekend is over and it's back to work! A few Company Health Announcements here to start the work week off right!

   We had a small problem with the reactor. Now, there isn't any need for panic, but we here at the Company Clinic would appreciate if everyone wore those stylish and fashionable yellow suits that you received via UPS. Also, please take your potassium iodide. It does wonders in removing beta particles!

   We have also successfully removed that pesky smallpox spill from the company kitchen. It's safe to eat the food again, we promise! Also, can floors A-D please report to the clinic as soon as you receive this email? Thanks!

   The VP has once again escaped containment. After that little incident that caused a facility wide evacuation last Friday, he managed to break out of his cell during the power outage. Boy, share prices sure took a drop yesterday! If you happen to see him in the maintenance wing, find a defensible area and call security. Also, can someone please find out why Sharon hasn't shown up for her regular reconstructive surgery appointment? Thanks.

   Also, can whomever keeps breaking into the clinic and stealing the diuretics please refrain from doing so? Sharon really needs those for her pelvic reconstruction.

   Lastly, I am happy to report that we have finally repaired the damage caused to floors F-H due to that unfortunate paint spill. We can assure that all the paint is lead free and that the office now has a new paint job. Lead Gray!

   Hope everyone has a good work week and is safe and productive!

   Lots of Love,

   Karl Q. Baggamuphin, MD DO DPM DDS PhD LLC




  

Company Health and VP Update 2.0!

   Hello Once Again,

  

   I am happy to inform all that the VP is doing well! We have been keeping him on a steady diet of IV fluoxetine and diazepam, which has been keeping his psychotic episodes to a minimum. The VP also very much appreciates the flowers and hand grenades that have been tossed into his room, although several orderlies may have been injured in the ensuing rush of pressurized gas/debris and/or lilac scent. Rest assured we are handling the problem.


  I can also happily report that our dear Sharon is doing well, and that we have successfully reconstructed her pelvis from near total annihilation. Boy, the VP sure was wild yesterday! She is still in a medically induced coma, but her condition is stable!

   Finally, I can safely inform that the hazardous gas leak in the basement has been safely shut off with only minimal loss of life! It is now safe for all employees to enter the basement without fear of severe harm. Further, there was no rat poison in the company picnic sandwiches. Ignore any false rumors of such frivolities.

   Kisses!

   Karl Q. Baggamuphin MD DO DDS DPM PhD LLC, Company Physician

Spice-E TV Banned.

   This is really not new, but the food/pornographic network was left on in the break room. Didn't know a man could bend that way, now I know. But I don't feel like learning any more. So the whole channel is blocked now. What has been seen cannot be unseen. Yoga will never be the same.
  
   The VP is still seriously under the influence of lots and lots of "happy juice" as the new MD puts it. I can't pronounce his name, so I'll call him Q.



   -CEO

Update on VP

Hello Again,

   You all will be happy to note that the VP has awoken from his coma and is doing well! Our tests indicate that he only suffered minor dementia induced identity disorder as a result of the oxygen deprivation! More, we are even happier to report that his newfound identity is only marginally more violent than his previous one!

   On an even more positive note, the VP exercised his newfound consciousness by incapacitating several orderlies and escaping his padded cell, and is currently examining his new surroundings with a destructive vigor! You wonderful staffers needn't worry though; he probably hasn't gotten far. For his safety, please lock your office doors and take cover beneath your desks. Thanks!

Also, if anyone happens to find Sharon, please direct her to the CEO's of my offices. Thanks!

Hugs,

Karl Q. Baggamuphin MD DO DDS DPM PhD LLC, Company Physician

VP Health Crisis

Hello All,

   It is my somber duty to inform you that our beloved VP overdosed on morphine and propofol this morning. While we were able to revive him using jumper cables hooked up to the company reactor, he may have suffered permanent brain damage as a result. Our thoughts and paychecks are with him, and we hope he comes out of his catatonic trance soon.

   Also, will Sharon please report to the CEO's office for the sexual harassment hearing? (The VP will be late due to obvious reasons) Thanks.

With love,

Karl Q. Baggamuphin MD DO DDS DPM PhD LLC, Company Physician

The VP is far out.

   It seems that the VP took a little too much of his meds and now he is seriously spacing out. It's almost as though he's in a little bit of a trance - Good lord. Now he's ranting on about the corporations. I'll go remind him that he is VP of one of these "corporations", please stay posted.


   -CEO

woahdude

   Hey guys. Life is awesomr, you know?? Like, cake on a bake in a lake, r something.
Listen, I have to go because the monsters want me for dinner, so Make sure you put Elton on the pedestal and divide the fog evenly between yourselves.


   -VP

Check out the Roof/Yard/Park/Thing!

   Seeing as how our roof was flat, and things in the company get rather dull, I had commissioned that we get a grass covered top to the executive building. It's very relaxing to sit up their and watch the clouds, so when you get the chance, go on up. The VP thinks it was a waste of funds, but I only took what I docked from his paycheck when he maimed that reporter from the K-Leader.
  
   We also finally got Elton to let go of Thaddy Poo. He had latched on to his nose and refused to stop all weekend. He is now back in his enclosure.

  -CEO

Thad is back again.

   The crazed U.S. senator known now as "Thaddy poo" has escaped from the hospital for criminally insane and is writing hateful words about one of our Allies' leaders! This company has no problem with the president and actually support him in his social and economic programs. My sincerest apologies to President Obama and his staff that have to waste their time looking at our hateful comments.


   -CEO

Thaddy poo is back baby!

I've got to get this in before the CEO finds a way out of the basement. I flushed the key down the commode. Anyway, listen up:

President Obuma is trying to bring Ebola to America! John McCain and Alex Jones and I told you about this last election cycle!

He's destroying America so his Muslim buddies can come over and institute Shariah law!

Obama is giving nukes to ISIS so they can nuke Mississippi!

The gay fairy people are trying to tickly myjkdghflkjhksfjhslkfhsldkfksdfh

The Lobby is Fixed!

   After some debating by the repairman and the VP he agreed to fix it on the condition of a 20 Arcad raise per hour, not a problem at all. But the Globe is working, and better than ever! If you are in the other buildings feel free to check it out!


   -CEO

Kim Kardashian YAY!

   I'm 100% not saying that Ebola is going to wipe out the U.S. population, but do expect the number of Yankee clients to drop significantly after 3 weeks.
  
   Also, it is now reported that it takes 3 weeks for the Ebola virus to show signs, killing by ratios of 2/3, and that it isn't airborne, just travels through the air.

   Kim Kardashian has figured out how to use a computer mouse, I'm so exited for that episode!



   -VP

The Earth has Fallen!

   Apparently the VP was trying to jury-rig the main lobby's globe to make the rotating mechanism more energy efficient, as he said the electrical guy was "too expensive to do an awful job like last time". Only the VP realized after the globe flew off the mechanism, hitting the journalist from the Kingsland Leader into next week, that he had no idea how to improve electrical efficiency. He now implores me to let him fix it. I don't think he can without breaking it more, so I'll call the electrician and the repair guy, and an environmental specialist - all will work together to fix and make better the globe.
   Also, the journalist from the Kingsland Leader is making friends with our security guards in the hospital. Wish them well when and if you can!


   -CEO

Ancient Curses and Cursing

   The Old Acadian writings have been translated, apparently telling of an Evil "Ve-Pee" that will one day destroy the world. Better tell the VP to be on the lookout. Also, we now have a large globe in the Executive Building lobby. It is advised that employees are careful when tinkering with the rotating mechanism.


   -CEO

The Press-ure is killing us!

   We have noticed that the press is more interested in our affairs these days, as odd events have unfolded they are even more intent on watching us. Keep an eye on that reporter in the lobby.

   The senator has had some developments. He is being kept in the Bluevale hospital for the criminally insane. He has gotten out of his strape-jacket several times. Not only this, but his padded cell has been repeatedly found to have holes leading to the cement walls, which were freshly chipped.

   We found some Old Arcadian writings in the cellar reading:
        ao cai se natrimanisc. Valua ahn se au reza udarae tineq vahn. Ach nacht ahn se valah valua zenisch quanae xen vai. Xen vai ao reza geracht valua. Lo nacht reza sarrounaq pour se quanae. Eracht noquae xecht nacht xen ao terrae verdacht.

   Please try to get this translated.


   -CEO

Sorry eveyone!

   The crazed Senator has been captured and given the VP's backup Tramadol. After he commandeered my desktop and wrote some hateful advertising on our webpage. We do not condone the Senator or his views. Nor do we advise our friends across the pond to vote for him. He seems rather neurotic. Maybe Sharon can give the man help, we've contacted U.S. authorities and they say we can have at it - as they have not had any luck.


-CEO

Emergency Announcement

   I'd like to address the recent issue that our company has suffered. Sen. Thad Cochran was found in Elton John's closet, disoriented and requesting to be addressed as "Thaddy Poo." He incapacitated several security guards and is currently loose in the halls. He is currently on an anti-gay tirade and is chasing Elton throughout the halls. Please remain inside your offices until our guards have dealt with the problem.

Thank you for your cooperatg842f m

gays are ruining america! elton john is Satan incarnate! THADDY POO FOR PRESIDENT!!!!

-CEO

Great Problems in Great Britain.

   Our rivalry with Britain has reached new bounds. David Cameron has recently placed tariffs on our products that can make a globalist go to tears. Lastly, we found an anti-gay U.S. senator in the same closet as Elton John. We really need to lock that thing.


-CEO

Contract from Royal Military.

   I address you all with extremely important news. Another development in Africa has lead to some serious spending in military funds to be used for more bullets, and more bandages. Be aware that these military contracts - though they are extremely easy to manage compared to the usual ones - are high in number, and will take up a lot of time.
   Another development is that the Kingsland Leader has picked up on the issue with the VP. For whatever reason they haven't checked this blog - they'd have figured out what happened instantly.
I will not silence the story because I believe in freedom of press, but I ask that you all be careful what you say around them. Also thanks to Sharon for not placing any restraining orders.
   -Note for future: VP, KEEP TRACK OF YOUR MEDS. I found them sitting in the Executive restrooms. If we have another incident Sharon will have a fit.


-CEO
  

The Kingsland Leader 10/2/2014

10/2/2014 KL-219


Unfortunate Stocks.
   This is the first time in 3 years Arcadian markets have been effected by international markets in a negative way. The AITS is down by about 9 points. Though many blame the European market, it is unknown what the true reasons for this is.

Edwards InterFinance In Trouble?
   GM Edwards, as we all know has a massive financial conglomerate and accounting firm that is responsible for the finances of over 1 billion clients (mostly Arcadian) worldwide. Apparently the reason several ambulances outside the executive building a few days ago were caused by a; "Near apocalyptic event..." say employees. Nobody has said what the event was that put 8 in the hospital, and caused major aesthetic damage to a couple floors. All we know is that the problem has been resolved. Some speculate the Isocratic Extremist Party bombed the building. Though this is entirely speculation, it is advised that the Isocrats be treated with caution.

Royal Guard Dispatched?
   Some reports have surfaced that Royal Guardsmen have been sent to undisclosed locations in Africa to give aid to countries that other organizations have ignored. Some firefights have occurred between them and insurgent forces, though no casualties have been reported so far.
   More details are expected in coming days.

Mental Health Examinations

Firstly; thank you all for the cards and flowers, that was very nice of you. On to business.
   This year the Mental Health Exams will be early. Sorry everybody. But a certain executive who caused serious injury to me and several security guards, has prompted management to question the psychological stability of the company. And to the certain psychotic executive that caused me so much agony, I will not have any restraining order put on you.
   Not because I forgive you, because Mr. Edwards asked me too.


-Sharon

Happy October Employees!

   It's that time of year again, yes. Time for the tax-boogey man to mosey up our front steps and make sure we're not doing anything unethical. Always quite appropriate for Halloween in my eyes. Expect some edits of the page of our investors. And Sharon, I know we are currently having bad blood with each other. Please don't bring up silly things like, "Assault", "Vandalism", and "Psychological examination results". They really aren't all that bad. Especially when you compare my exam to Charles Manson!


-VP