My poor BABY!!!

   I found my Rolls-Royce. Sick Barnstien bastards, they killed it. Thank god I have insurance, it had been crushed into a metal cube at a car impound centre - but that's not the worse part. Apparently it was also found that it was soaked Champagne and Urine. They killed it WHY GOD!?!?!?


-CEO

Emergency Notice

   Hey everyone!

   So, you've probs noticed that the VP is loose again. I accidentally gave him some amphetamines instead of his Prozac, so now he's really at it. Please lock your office doors and stay inside! Oh, and your health insurance doesn't cover assault, so don't get hit!

   Update: the VP is now inside the clinic. I'm gonna go hide in my closet now, so stay tuned! I'll try to keep you updated if my computer is still functional when he's through.

  GAH! I FEEL ALIVE!!! WHATEVER THAT QUACK GAVE ME IS AMAZING!! I CAN SEE FUCKING SOUND!!! SHARON! BABY, I LOVE YOU!!! COME BACK TO ME!!!

   THE CAMERAS! I'VE GOT IT! SHE'S IN THE CAFETERIA! HAIRNETS CAN'T SAVE YOU NOW, SOMGIVE DADDY SOME SUGAR HO!!

   I think he's gone. If you happen to see Sharon, tell her that she's been placed on unpaid leave. Thanks!

   Stay Safe!

   Karl Q. Baggamuphin MD DO DDS DPM PhD LLC, Company Physician

Snow!

   Happy Cold Wednesday!

   So, we got a little snow. And by a little, I mean a metric fuck tonne. But that's okay! Our lovely snowplow corps has been hard at working making sure that the executive parking lot is clean as a whistle. Wouldn't want to accidentally slide into someone, would we?


   As I've heard it, the Barnsteins were unfortunately locked outside during the blizzard. We tried our best to unlock the doors, but somehow we all lost our security cards. Oh well. On a positive note, the Class Action Lawsuit filed against us by them has been dropped due to their disappearance! Hallelujah!

   Please wipe your feet before coming in through the employee entrance. I realize that the plows haven't removed the three feet of snow in the employee parking lot, but that's now excuse to get our lobby wet. Please people, be civilized.

   Sharon has yet again taken a leave of absence. This time, she apparently has "cramps". Now, I recognize that it may be that time of the month, and so should you! Let's send her a get well package!

   Gentlemen, we'll get the bathrooms heated eventually. I recognize that cold isn't conducive to your self esteem, but if you're feeling inadequate, there are plenty of wonderful ladies (or men, I don't judge) who can make you happy. Also, the clinic records don't lie, and neither should you! I'm talking to you, Johnson!

   Four More for Gore,

   Karl Q. Baggamuphin MD DO DDS DPM PhD LLC, Company Physician

Medical Issues

   Morning!


   So, as I'm sure many of you are aware, our beloved CEO's Rolls Royce was stolen by the Barnsteins. He has to drive an Audi now! It's tragic, it really is. I've loaned him my spare Bentley, but his spirits are absolutely crushed. Judging by the amount of fluoxetine I've prescribed, he's depressed as well.

   The VP has expressed his desire to retrieve the cherished vehicle, and we here at the clinic support him wholeheartedly! Finally, we've found a safe pathway for his psychopathic tendencies. No more repairs for us!

   We here at the clinic all decided to chip in and buy the CEO a "Get-well-soon" gift! I'm thinking a new Rolex, but I'm open to suggestions. Now, some of you have suggested that we throw him a party to cheer him up. We are still looking for a location for this, but the VP and I are thinking either his northern mansion or my mountain estate would do he trick. I haven't been hunting with the hounds in ages!

   We've had some reporters here calling us "out of touch" because we make more than the average worker. Now, the VP concedes that he is purposefully out of touch, but rest assured I'm not! I know exactly how you workers live. Remember way back when the CEO and I took pay cuts for a year to understand how the worker lives? We took a 75% cut! Of course, it went back up, but I had to forgo my new yacht that year! It was traumatic.

   Finally, Security believes that the Barnsteins have infiltrated the mail department and are attempting to steal your letters. While this may be true, we've posted armed guards inside the mail room just in case. Not sure if they can brainwash this Bolivian children we've got scampering about, but hey, stranger things have happened.

   Forever yours,

   Karl Q. Baggamuphin MD DO DDS DPM PhD LLC, Company Physician

Barnstien...

   Although the lull in the fighting has reached an all time quiet (As quiet as space even) the war with the Barnstiens has not ended. Even though I signed the treaty, my lawyers found a clause. And it is time now to pick up arms against those evil, inhuman bastards. They have done the unspeakable.
   They stole my Rolls Royce, Ladies and Gentlemen. I've been reduced to an Audi. So a prize of free lunch for a month goes to the one(s) who bring them to me, alive. So that I may have them crucified in the lobby - a slow and entertaining death. Huh, maybe hanging out with the V.P is having an effect on me... Nah.


-CEO

Christmas Music!

   *voice dictation on, please be aware that noises other than standard voice will be recorded with word approximations.*
   You bastards! *shuffle*

   Get the music out of my head! IT WON'T STOP! I WON'T ALWAYS LOVE YOU, WHITNEY! Oh, and while I'm at it, that damned physician upped my meds. Do I look crazy to you? I'm the paradigm of sanity! And Sharon isn't returning my texts. God, she's insufferable. It was one night! Now it's playing Christmas music! No, I will not be a good boy! I'VE BEEN A BAD BOY MOMMY! I'M SORRY! *?sobbing?*

   *faint*
   Hey! What are you doing in my office! You're supposed to be sedated!

   *loud*
   Like hell I am! JINGLE JANGLE JINGLE, YOU SHIT BAG!

   *possible fight, voice, female*
   God, he left his headphones in again.
 
   *voice, male*
   He tripped on his own shoes and knocked himself out. Definitely need to up the dosage. Hey, is the voice dictation on?

   Sorry about that everyone! The VP was supposed to be taking his nap. It's all good now!

   Hugs!

   -Karl Q. Baggamuphin MD DO DDS DPM PhD LLC, Company Physician
 

Exiting Development Thursday!

   Happy Thursday!


   Hope you're all having a fun workweek! Apparently, today is audit day. Hope those jokes I heard about falsified earnings reports were indeed false! Oh, and we still can't find the VP.

   Sharon is having a bit of an existential crisis. As in, she's locked herself in the ladies' restroom with a company Xbox controller and refuses to come out. Anybody know why she left Call of Duty running and is blasting a machine gun on full auto? We've considered breaking down the door, but we'd prefer not to have to buy another one, so she'll be in there for a while.

   Guess what? We finally found that pesky key to that weird locked door in the clinic. Oddly, I can't remember ever opening it. Strange, right? And I think the VP got in there somehow. He's still out of his mind, so if you happen to see him make sure to call security! They really want to test their new tranquilizer guns.

   Security is now accepting applicants for their advanced "Fast Action Protection Team," or FAP Team for short. The goal of the team will be to assess threats presented inside the clinic and respond with fluid precision. Volunteers will have to undergo some sort of physical assessment at the clinic, but I'm sure whatever it is is worth it!

   Finally, the Ebola outbreak on floor F4 has been cleaned up. Apparently someone left a window open and a West African refugee climbed through and infected a few people. We still haven't found him yet though. Also, can floor D please stay overnight? Thanks.

   Ebola-Free-Squeezes,

   Karl Q. Baggamuphin MD DO DDS DPM PhD LLC, Company Physician


 

Anyone Seen the VP?

   Hey, didn't I just see you?

  Well, it's that time of year again. Time to play "Find the VP!" Apparently, he's out again and is really angry that I upped the dosage on his lorazepam. So far, he's gotten into Stairwell 3a, so I'd recommend moving to the elevators as soon as possible if your located near that stair well. Security informs me that he's found an old hockey mask and a machete, so it's just like that movie from the 80's! You know, with the dead teenagers?

   Sharon has disappeared again. Since the VP is out causing mischief, please direct her to my clinic for her latest round of reconstructive surgery. I didn't even know that muscles could be stretched to that degree! She's lucky she can still sit down.

   The VP has apparently really done it this time. Remember when we found that weird pentagram in the basement? Apparently we didn't get rid of it in time (coulda sworn I painted over it), and now the VP may be having a bit of a spiritual problem. Why, he just told me he knew about the life-sized gorilla toy and the rubber bacon. Not sure how he knew that. I thought I'd cleared by browsing history. Anyway, I you happen to know any good Catholic Priests (or Rabbis. We're liberal here.) then do send me the number. Gotta get this taken care of before our share prices take a dip again!

   We found a fox and a severed head prop in a crate downstairs again. Who keeps putting those down there? It's really quite irritating.

   I finally found my penlight. Whoever stole it should be ashamed of themselves. I had to perform the routine proctologies with a big mag light. Good thing I found that tube of Jiffy Lube!

   Feci qoud potui faciant meliora potentes,

   Karl Q. Baggamuphin, MD DO DDS DPM PhD LLC, Company Physician

 

 

To Quarantine or Not to Quarantine, That is the Question.

   Happy Monday!


   Well everyone, it's back to work today! Hope you had a fun, productive weekend, what with all the viral infections and stuff. We only had a few incidents of poisoned candy, mostly from the VP, show everything was in order! Thankfully, it would appear that the majority of you all didn't die in the recent epidemic that we had. Sharon and I ended up getting locked in a maintenance closet when I came in to grab some files, and I had to subdue her with a hammer. And she wasn't even infected!

   The CEO was really bummed that his attempt to take over the world with his zombie-virus failed, so to cheer him up I got him some bath salts that I found at an organic health store. It says that your supposed to snort them, but I'm sure that's just a curious typo.

   Since we had an excess of corpses following that little outbreak, the cafeteria is offering a limited time special: "Mystery Meat Surprise!" Can you guess who/what the meat is made out of? We here at the clinic couldn't, and we used DNA testing! I bet it goes great with some ketchup.

   The number of bombs-in-the-mail has gone up this month. Now, I know it's only the second, but those Isocrats are really at it! Also, please congratulate Mr. Washington on his new prosthetic hands. So stylish! And you can decorate them for any occasion.

   The VP has reportedly stolen some leftover viral deployment devices from the Clinic. I'd appreciate if we could locate those before I have to kick on the ol' law firm again. Thanks!

   Squeezes!

   Karl Q. Baggamuphin MD DO DDS DPM PhD LLC, Company Physician

Awe. Darn.

   As I had said, the V.P. messed with the Z-3 virus making it deadly to any users. Those poor test gerbils. This means I can't be zombie overlord, and you can't live forever. At least your health insurance companies will be happy.

   Anyway, it will take until another strain of the virus comes along to continue research. So if I were you, I'd keep careful around pointy objects.



-CEO

My Zombie Empire has fallen, but not for good.

   As you are all aware, our beloved kingdom had three choices when the zombies came; Violate citizens with needles, Murder citizens with bullets, and unite the North Pacific under an eternal banner. Although the VP of the company has no place near my political office after that whole "Mind Control and Detox Therapy" scandal, he recommended highly killing you all. That didn't really appeal to me much so I decided to build a Zombie Empire.
  Despite we lost the war, I had specific versions of Z-3 virus modified to have a total permanent in undead population! Your welcome! The only way you can die now is if Blue Jays, Christians, or the V.P. gets to you! And that's not likely as long as you keep burning down those churches, quite the strategy. Next Halloween I plan to spread this virus around the North Pacific and unite it.

   Why am I telling you this? Well, because you'll all be helping with the paperwork!

(Socialist Monarchy, you don't have a choice; by the way.)

   -CEO